


For He's A Jolly Good Felon

by gluupor



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Awkwardness, Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M, Neil being an instigative asshole, Roommates, Thanksgiving Dinner
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-12-27 16:01:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21121463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gluupor/pseuds/gluupor
Summary: What's a guy to do when he's forced to go to his conservative, homophobic aunt and uncle's for Thanksgiving dinner?Why, invite along his ex-con, tattooed, argumentative roommate as his fake boyfriend, of course.





	For He's A Jolly Good Felon

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Leahelisabeth (fortheloveofcamelot)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fortheloveofcamelot/gifts).

> Based on [this](https://leahlisabeth.tumblr.com/post/188422643113/orchidbreezefc-its-that-time-of-year-gluupor) post, as requested by Leah. Since it's her birthday I decided to write it for her. Happy Birthday! I hope you enjoy it!
> 
> Since Neil's being as instigative as possible, he expresses negativity towards Christians that does not necessarily reflect his or the author's beliefs. There's also references to murder and to Neil burning his mother's body.

Neil’s roommate was still awake when he got home from work. It was unexpected; Neil almost never saw him. Neil worked most afternoons as a line cook in a restaurant that was half a step above fast food and nights tending bar. His roommate, Andrew, on the other hand, worked a nine-to-five office job. They ran into each other on the weekends and on Neil’s irregular days off, but otherwise it was like living with a particularly antisocial cat who hid most of the time but sometimes did the dishes when Neil was out.

For all that, they got along pretty well when they did interact and Neil wouldn’t have minded seeing _more_ of Andrew, if their schedules ever meshed better. Neil was mostly just glad that Andrew wasn’t a giant dickbag; it would have sucked having to feel grateful to someone he hated.

Both jobs and affordable living were hard to come by for him. Ex-cons didn’t have the easiest time melding back into society and Neil’s prior life experience of running from the mob didn’t give him many marketable skills, either. He’d lucked out with his jobs—his friend from prison, Matt, had hooked him up with both of them, since he had a wealthy father to help him get back on his feet—and his boss at the bar, Wymack, had put him in touch with Andrew who had been looking for a roommate. Andrew’s apartment was large and clean and in a nice part of town so Neil hadn’t had high hopes for being invited to live there, but Andrew had only shrugged once Neil explained his situation (he’d been living on Matt and his girlfriend Dan’s couch at the time) and told Neil how much rent cost.

So Andrew being awake was a surprise, but not necessarily an unwelcome one. Neil wondered if he still had to go to work tomorrow and worried about how tired he would be; it was almost three in the morning.

“I need a favour,” Andrew said as soon as Neil entered the apartment. He looked exhausted, with deep purple bags under his eyes, and generally unhappy to be asking for something. Neil had noticed that he never asked for favours without offering something first.

“Yeah, sure,” said Neil. “Anything.” Andrew had earned his loyalty in more ways than one since he’d let him live here and Neil would help him out if he could.

“Don’t say that before you know what I want,” chided Andrew.

“Well, not anything,” conceded Neil. “But if it’s within my power, sure I’ll do you a favour.”

“Remember when you went to that blonde bimbo’s family dinner?”

“Allison? Yeah, sure.” Allison was a friend of Dan’s who spent a lot of time trying to piss off her rich, stuck up parents. She decided that claiming she was dating Neil—a felon without a high school degree—was the best way to achieve her goals. She’d also coached Neil on how to be even more objectionable—he’d leered at all the other female guests, he’d pretended to get drunk, and he’d let his sharp tongue loose. It had been a lot of fun.

“I need you to do that for me,” said Andrew, looking miserable.

Neil laughed at the unexpected request. “Who are you trying to irritate?”

“My aunt and uncle,” said Andrew. “I try to ignore them most of the time since they’re homophobic pieces of shit. But my cousin, Nicky, who is one of two family members I actually care about, has finally gotten them to deign to acknowledge his sexuality and boyfriend. They’ve invited them for Thanksgiving, and Nicky’s been begging me and my brother to attend so that the focus isn’t completely on him.”

“So you want me to pretend to be _your_ boyfriend?”

“I want them to see how much worse it can be.”

“And you thought of me? I’m touched,” said Neil sarcastically.

“Worse in their eyes. Not mine.”

“Don’t bother buttering me up, I’m going to say yes. You’ll have to let me know their views so I can horrify them as much as possible.”

Andrew almost slumped in relief. “Good. I didn’t want to go alone. I owe you one.”

“Eh,” said Neil carelessly. “I get to be an asshole to some bigots _and_ get Thanksgiving dinner? That’s all the repayment I need.”

It was hard to tell in the dim light, but Neil thought Andrew actually smiled. “One other thing: do you think you can borrow your friend Matt’s van?”

* * *

Andrew looked a little pale when they pulled up in front of his aunt and uncle’s house, but that may have been due to Neil’s driving or, more likely, the van they’d driven over in. It was Matt’s and he’d gotten it for under $100 cash. It was the kind of van favoured by creepy predators everywhere and was painted a riot of red, white, and black in order to resemble Eddie Van Halen’s guitar (at least that’s how Matt described it—to Neil it just looked like really bad abstract art). Neil was pretty sure that it was older than he was. The suspension was shot, none of the temperature or radio controls worked, and the parking brake only functioned sometimes. In short, it was not the car of someone who had their life together.

Neil was dressed in a tight, black t-shirt and ripped jeans (at Andrew’s instruction). The shirt showed off the full-sleeve tattoos colouring his arms that he’d gotten to help cover up his numerous scars. He felt a little self-conscious being so exposed but put it aside. He was here to be the completely unwanted centre of attention after all.

The neighbourhood was very suburban, with cookie-cutter houses and matching immaculate front lawns. Neil parked the van ostentatiously at an angle in front of the Hemmicks’ house; if this was the type of neighbourhood with judgey neighbours—and Neil would bet a lot of money that it was—he wanted them to see it.

Andrew led the way across the lawn and knocked on the door, shoving his hands into his pockets and rounding his shoulders after he did.

A tall, Latina woman answered the door, glancing at Neil with something like alarm. “Andrew,” she greeted warily.

“Oh, can you tell us apart now?” asked Andrew.

“Aaron is already here,” she said stiffly. “Who is this… person?”

“This is my boyfriend, Neil,” said Andrew. “I heard you finally admitted that gay people are allowed to exist, so I brought him along.”

She pressed her lips together into a thin line, but stepped back to let them into the house. It was austere and imposing with neutral, unobjectionable decor and lots of evident signs of the Hemmicks’ Christian faith.

“I am Maria,” she told Neil, “and my husband’s name is Luther. We weren’t expecting you. The others are just through there. Go ahead in; I’ve got to see to dinner.”

She headed back farther into the house but Neil turned into the room she’d indicated. Andrew put his hand on the small of Neil’s back as they entered a room filled with so much awkward silence it was practically visible.

A relatively short (although still taller than Andrew or Neil) balding man was presiding over the room like an unimpressed overlord. Joining him was a man who looked exactly like Andrew (it didn’t take a genius to figure out this was Andrew’s twin, Aaron) sitting next to a nervous-looking Korean woman (who must be his girlfriend, Katelyn). On the room’s other couch was a miserable man who looked too much like Maria not to be Nicky, and a blond gym bro, who was eyeing Nicky with palpable worry.

“Wow!” Neil said loudly upon entering the room and taking in the tableau. “Nicky! Your boyfriend’s so hot! Erik, right? Andrew says he’s German? Good work; go you!” He held out his hand to Nicky for a fist bump.

“...Andrew?” said Nicky after a couple beats of absolute silence.

“This is my boyfriend, Neil,” said Andrew, causing both his cousin and his twin to do double takes. “I heard boyfriends were allowed now.” He aimed this at Luther, puffing up somewhat defiantly.

“It goes against nature—” started Luther.

“If Mother Nature didn’t endorse gay sex then she wouldn’t have made it feel so good to stimulate your prostate, believe you me,” said Neil. “You should try it some time.”

Luther’s face went almost purple. Neil glanced around guilelessly; he couldn’t help but notice that Andrew was studiously avoiding looking at him, which was fortuitous. If he caught Andrew’s eye he was likely to burst out laughing. Andrew indicated he should sit, so Neil took a comfy armchair while Andrew perched beside him on its arm.

“So,” said Katelyn politely, breaking the silence, “what do you do, Neil?”

“Well, I got out of prison recently,” Neil said easily, causing Aaron to choke on his drink, “and now I work in a bar.”

“I…” said Katelyn, looking at a loss and turning to Aaron for help.

“What were you in prison for?” asked Aaron suspiciously.

“Murder.” He paused for drama before continuing, “Well, not really. They never actually pinned it on me. So just identity fraud and unlawful disposal of a body.” Which was mostly correct. The FBI had caught up with him as he burnt his mother’s dead body and didn’t appreciate his unwillingness to cooperate with them so they’d charged him with everything they could. He had just turned eighteen, so he was tried as an adult and ended up spending two years behind bars at a minimum security facility.

“Murder,” repeated Aaron flatly, glaring at Andrew, who was too busy staring a challenge at Luther to acknowledge him.

“I am what I was raised to be,” shrugged Neil.

“What do you mean?” asked Erik, sounding like he wasn’t sure he should ask.

“Oh, that’s a fun story!” enthused Neil. He could fabricate something but his actual history was just as objectionable as anything he could make up and it didn’t sting to talk about like it used to. Sure, he still couldn’t speak about his mother’s death without choking on phantom smoke, but he could talk around that. His father had been dead long enough that his memory didn’t haunt Neil quite so strongly. “See, my father was a hit man for the mob.”

Nicky gasped quietly and Erik took his hand in solidarity.

“He really liked murdering people; it was his passion. And my mom was from a crime family, too—although they’re British, so they just seem classier. I think it’s the accents, you know?” He looked to Andrew, who nodded in agreement. “Accents are sexy,” Neil said in an undertone, aimed at Erik as he gave him an appreciative once over. “Anyway, my mom eventually stole a bunch of money from my dad and we went on the run—that’s why I don’t have a high school diploma; there’s not a lot of time for school when you’re running for your life!” He laughed heartily.

Everyone else in the room regarded him with silently horrified expressions. Andrew looked on approvingly.

“So my parents eventually killed each other and I went to prison and that’s that!” He glanced around; now everyone was avoiding eye contact with him. “When are we eating?” he asked blithely.

* * *

It turned out that dinner wouldn’t be ready for at least another hour, which they had to fill with more awkward small talk. Neil made himself as obnoxious as possible, interjecting into every conversation and turning it to topics sure to annoy the Republican Luther. So far he’d managed to bring up climate change, a woman’s right to make decisions about her own body, universal health care, and the separation of church and state. Luther was clearly getting more than a little annoyed with him, but he kept up his calm and almost-polite veneer.

Neil openly ogled both Nicky and Erik and pretended to get drunk (in reality he was emptying his drinks into potted plants, which couldn’t be good for them). He also succeeded in cornering Aaron in the kitchen at one point when he was getting a refill.

“Hey,” said Neil, sidling up into Aaron’s space and goosing him. “Give me a five minute head start and then meet me in the bathroom. I’ve been dying to choke on your cock all evening.” He pitched his voice low but still audible to Maria, who squeaked in shock.

Aaron pushed him away. “I’m not Andrew,” he growled.

Neil gave him a look that said _duh_. “I know,” he said, then held up five fingers and mouthed, _five minutes_ as he backed out of the kitchen.

Eventually (probably not a second too soon for anyone), they all sat for dinner. Neil grinned around the table as he used the worst table manners he could—leaning over the table to grab things and chewing with his mouth open and scraping his utensils against his plate. Everyone looked like they wanted to die—except Andrew, who was admirably maintaining a placid expression.

“So, Neil,” Luther said loudly after Neil told a joke designed to be as insulting as possible to everyone present and then brayed like a donkey at the punchline, “are you religious?”

“Why, yes, I am,” said Neil. “I wasn’t as a child, because, you know, of all the murder and blood and guts—do you want some cranberry sauce?—but I found religion in prison.”

“Well, that’s admirable,” said Luther.

“Yeah,” continued Neil, “I read up on it and I decided that Islam made a lot of sense for me.”

Luther inhaled his food.

“So I officially converted and now I’m a Muslim,” said Neil. “I assume from all your unsubtle crucifixes hanging on the walls that you’re Christian?”

Luther was still coughing into his napkin but he managed to nod and force out, “I’m a minister.”

Neil wrinkled his nose in distaste. “Well,” he said dubiously, taking a sip from his drink. “To each their own, I guess.” He glanced at Andrew and made and exaggerated _yikes_ face.

The unsubtle judgment by someone he clearly considered inferior almost tipped Luther into outright rage. He took several deep breaths to calm himself.

“So, uh, Mom,” said Nicky hesitantly into the resulting silence, “I see you remodelled the kitchen?”

* * *

By the time dessert rolled around, the mood around the table was reminiscent of a forced death march that was almost at its end. Not that anyone was dreading the end and the sweet relief of death. Luther and Maria seemed to have unanimously and wordlessly decided to pretend that Neil didn’t exist. Neil was enjoying himself immensely.

“Nicholas,” Luther said, addressing his son directly for the first time all evening. “Have you done anything worthwhile with your life yet?”

“Of course I have, Dad,” said Nicky in a wavering voice. “I’m happy with Erik, and I’m still working on my degree—”

“For the past six years,” said Luther derisively. “If you could just commit—”

“Can I interrupt?” said Neil, pushing his chair back from the table and standing. “I wasn’t planning on doing this, but I just can’t help myself.” He didn’t wait for anyone’s reply, he simply dropped to one knee beside Andrew’s chair. “Andrew,” he said as earnestly as possible. “I know we haven’t known each other for that long—”

“Oh my God,” muttered Nicky, covering his face with one hand.

“—but I knew you were the one for me the first time you sucked me off in that stall in the men’s room at Eden’s Twilight.”

“Jesus Fucking Christ,” swore Aaron, who had been drinking profusely ever since Neil came on to him earlier.

“And if my time in prison taught me anything it was not to take anything for granted. So will you make me the happiest man alive by consenting to become my husband?”

Andrew looked down at him, expressionless but for his eyes which shone with amusement and something else indefinable.

“What do you say,” pressed Neil. “Yes or no?”

“Yes,” said Andrew at the same time that Aaron loudly interjected, “No!”

He pushed himself back from the table and threw his napkin on his plate in disgust; his face was flushed with anger (and drunkenness). “I’m not going to sit here and watch you ruin your life!”

“It’s my life,” Andrew answered evenly.

“You can do so much better than that… that… _person_,” snapped Aaron, pointing at Neil. “He’s awful and not near good enough for you. Do you know he came on to me earlier!”

“I did not!” cried Neil. “You’re a liar. I love Andrew with all my heart and I’d _never_ cheat on him!”

“No, _you’re_ a liar,” argued Aaron. “And dangerous and a slut. Stay the hell away from my brother.”

“You can’t make me,” said Neil, tilting his chin defiantly. “He’s insatiable and I give it to him just the way he likes it. We fuck like rabbits and he _loves_ it and there’s nothing you can do to stop us!” Neil had been in a lot of fights in his time. He could see when he’d pushed his opponent to their breaking point. He’d always been good at riling people up enough to start fights and less good at finishing them.

The second Aaron snapped Neil was on his feet and running for the front door. He got outside and slammed it behind him, only for Aaron to wrench it open and stalk out after a couple seconds. Neil darted back and forth across the front lawn, evading Aaron and alternating between yelling that he was being assaulted and taunting Aaron further about all the filthy sex he and Andrew engaged in, yelling about sex toys and spanking at the top of his lungs.

He made sure to be as loud as possible, drawing all the surrounding neighbours out to stare at the commotion. Luther and Maria were futilely trying to get them to stop, furtively glancing around in despair.

Neil wasn’t sure how long he could have kept up the chase, but it ended when he accidentally tripped over a sprinkler head hidden in the grass and fell flat on his face. He rolled and braced himself for a blow as Aaron loomed over him.

Suddenly Andrew was between them, pushing Aaron back with a hand on his chest. “That’s enough,” he said quietly but forcefully. “I think it’s time Neil and I left.”

“Andrew…” said Aaron, frustrated and annoyed. “This _can’t_ be who you want.”

“That’s my decision to make. I’ll call you later,” said Andrew with finality, then turned to help Neil up and usher him over to Matt’s van.

“Thank you for dinner,” Neil said, turning to the group of people who were gaping at him from the Hemmicks’ front porch as he fastidiously brushed the grass off his shirt. “I really enjoyed myself.”

Andrew pushed him into the passenger seat and slammed the door before circling around the hood of the van toward the driver’s side.

Neil rolled down his window. “Nicky,” he called, “if it doesn’t work out between you and Erik, give me a call.” He exaggeratedly winked and was still making the ‘call me’ gesture with his hand when Andrew pulled away from the curb.

* * *

Andrew was completely silent for their entire trip home and Neil wondered if he’d gone too far. He found a spot on the street outside their apartment and turned the van off, sitting silently for several moments as Neil watched him for some sort of reaction. His shoulders started shaking and then he actually laughed out loud, a low, gravelly, unpracticed sound. Neil grinned in triumph.

“That was the best Thanksgiving I think I’ve ever had,” said Andrew. “You’re ridiculous.” His voice sounded almost fond.

Neil’s smile turned sheepish. “Well, _I_ had a lot of fun. I doubt your family did, though. I think I just became one of those family legends that will be told to your children’s children. The Time Uncle Andrew’s Boyfriend Ruined Thanksgiving.”

“Now whenever his parents complain about Nicky’s boyfriend he can say, ‘well, at least he’s not Neil’,” said Andrew.

Neil saluted him sarcastically. “Glad to be of service.”

Andrew tipped his head back against the headrest and looked over at Neil, his expression warmer than Neil had ever seen it. “I’m going to have to call Nicky and Aaron to explain.”

“You _could_ have explained it to them ahead of time,” Neil pointed out.

“They’re not good actors; I wanted their responses to be genuine.”

“You mean you wanted to fuck with them.”

“And I wanted to fuck with them,” conceded Andrew.

Neil mirrored Andrew’s position and the two of them just looked at each other for a couple beats.

“I want to kiss you,” said Andrew, breaking the silence between them.

“Well, we _are_ technically engaged now.”

Andrew’s face turned serious. “Not as a joke or as payment or because you’re doing me a favour, but because you’re kinda amazing.”

Neil blushed and looked down. “I don’t think your family would agree.” He wasn’t used to anyone thinking he was amazing, especially not someone like Andrew.

Andrew cupped his cheek and tilted his face up towards his own. “Yes or no?” he asked, his lips almost brushing Neil’s.

“Yes,” answered Neil, melting into Andrew’s heat as he pulled him in. “Wait, wait,” said Neil, stopping him before they could do anything more than kiss chastely. “As much as I’m enjoying it, I don’t actually want our first kiss to be in a creepy sex van. We have a perfectly good apartment upstairs.”

Andrew huffed in annoyance but seemed to agree as he pulled back and exited the van. He waited for Neil and reached out to take his hand when he got close enough, leading him into their building.

“Oh my God,” laughed Neil as they started up the stairs. Andrew looked back over his shoulder and raised an eyebrow in question. “Can you imagine Aaron’s reaction if we _do_ actually end up getting married?”

**Author's Note:**

> I can be found on tumblr [@gluupor](http://gluupor.tumblr.com).


End file.
